Newsletter for Holding the Line: Together
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October 31, 2008
Sometimes as educators and as parents we risk popularity and student approval by holding the line. At home, when our children act up, are rude or disrespectful, or break one of our family agreements, we need to hold them accountable. Seldom is this pleasant. For instance, after catching your eleven-year-old in a fib about the disparity between the amount of homework she says she has and what she actually has, do you really expect her to drop her façade and exclaim: “Thanks mom! You’re absolutely right and thanks for helping me to become more responsible and honest. I’ll never make that mistake again and I’ll get right back to my homework. You’re the best!”
Right. More likely she will mutter under her breath (or more likely, in her own head as she passively lets your words wash over her), or get defensive about how unfair the teachers are, or go on the offensive about how intrusive you are. And if all goes well, later that night, probably as she is climbing into bed, she will apologize or at least acknowledge that she feels bad about what happened—either with her words or a prolonged hug. In turn, we will feel better about the interaction. But still, as we head out of the room, we realize that growth is two steps forward one step back. Translation: We’ll be having these conversations for a while.
This same dynamic holds true at school, both in the classroom and on the playground. Seldom do these interactions that require boundary-setting or limit-holding involve a phone call home, though sometimes they do. The more likely scenario is that your son or daughter will never even mention the event to you at home; after all, none of this shines a particularly positive light on their behavior.
There are, however, times that fall in between a call home from the School and silence on the part of your student. In these moments they complain about the unfair treatment they are receiving at school from an adult. That is, this is when they portray themselves as innocent victims to the powerful protagonist teachers and staff. This last strategy always gets your attention.
When this happens, and it will, please remember that typically there is more afoot than you might realize. That is, listen to their words, but listen as a curious observer. Ask questions: What did he say or do to lead you to think that? What exactly were his words? What do you imagine was going through her head as she watched your response? Is there another way you might have handled this? What do you need in order to move forward? What can you do to help this happen? And, especially in middle school, always ask the clincher question, which is a way of getting at the group think that can be so prevalent with this age: What do the other kids think and what are they saying? If “everyone” feels the same and there is the faint smell of exaggeration in the air, be suspicious.
Next, if there is any doubt in your mind about how your child was treated, call the teacher or administrator. Tell them what you are hearing at home and ask them how it matches what they are seeing at school. (Be warned at the outset; do not enter any Faustian pacts with your child: Just tell me what is going on and I promise not to call the school.) Then, and this is the hard part, wait and listen, really listen, to what the teacher or staff member has to say. In the vast majority of cases you will come to understand that your child has probably left out one or two incriminating pieces of information. Nothing major, but just enough to slant the story to their advantage.
And just know that in the context of school, we do our best to hold these limits compassionately, thereby - once they get out of victim mode - allowing our students to bring their best selves to some of their toughest interactions. For example, after a recent discussion with a class about respect and appropriate behavior, most of the students left grumbling, but one of the students stayed behind to speak with the teacher: I’m sorry. I should have said something to make them stop. I blew it. I promise to do better the next time. This type of recognition on the part of a student paves the way for one of the most important goals we have for your children: that on a regular basis they become comfortable and confident in bringing their best selves to the toughest and trickiest situations they face in their lives. And they only learn this when their less-than-best selves come up against firm and compassionate limits—at school and at home.
And this is just one of the ways that educators and parents can work together for the betterment of our children.
Have a wonderful weekend and Happy Halloween!
Mike
